


We Can't Choose How We're Made

by Sandpfote



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: AU, Angst with a Happy Ending, Evak - Freeform, Fluff and Angst, M/M, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 13:22:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11968278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandpfote/pseuds/Sandpfote
Summary: “Isak had been crushing so hard on – falling in love with - Even in the past months, and now Even wouldn’t even tell him, what was wrong. Maybe he just grew tired of Isak. Decided to get someone, who wasn’t as needy and young and boring."Maybe there's a universe, in which everything is different; a universe, in which they don't fall in love at Nissen; a universe, in which Even's past doesn't weigh him down. In this universe they can fall in love, but they can't choose how they're made.





	We Can't Choose How We're Made

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fullbodykiss](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullbodykiss/gifts).



_“Did you also need tissues?“_

_The boy started fishing in the trashcan, pulled out a fairly unused tissue, and held it out to Isak. What the fuck._

_He locked eyes with Isak, lifted his eyebrows and touched the joint, which was tucked behind his ear._

_“Come outside.”_

*

 

Isak couldn’t believe himself. He couldn’t believe that he had just followed this stranger outside to smoke with him. For all Isak knew, he could’ve cut the weed with glass or some shit (He had heard about a 00’er vomiting blood because she had smoked weed cut with glass), or planned to gang rape Isak behind the bench he sat on. Hot strangers were not trust-worthy. No matter how often you had seen (admired) them around school.

 

They smoked in silence, Isak’s heart beating a little too fast, until the boy asked: “Do you know the group leader lady?”

“Vilde?” Isak laughed nervously. “With the love exercise?”

“What was that?”

“No, I mean… I had to leave. I couldn’t deal with that stuff. What happened?”

“She made us walk around, uh… And feel each other up, in a dark room. And if you touched a dick, you had to suck it.”

 

*

 

Isak didn’t know whether he wanted to _be_ , or _be with_ Even, but he knew that his dark voice still haunted his dreams days later.

 

*

 

Even and Isak ate cheese toast with way too many spices, because they were high and Isak couldn’t say no to Even, and then Even kissed his girlfriend and Isak felt like someone had just rammed a dowel into his heart.

*

 

Isak _knew_ he was gay.  A year ago he had jeopardized (and destroyed) the relationship of his best friend Jonas and his girlfriend Eva, because he had had a crush on Jonas. Hell, he had started watching gay porn when he was 15, and his roommate had found him in a gay bar, when he was 16. There was no way he was straight.

But he still found himself making out with girls every few parties, just so his friends would stop teasing him. And to prove himself, that he could. So he would feel in control.

But now, _now that he knew Even_ , nothing felt more pointless, more absurd, more foolish, than kissing a girls’ lips. Than kissing Emma’s lips. Now that he knew, what Even’s looked like, he didn’t want to touch anyone else’s.

 

But he still googled “how to get turned on by girls if you are gay” and apologized to Emma the day later for ditching her for Even, after she called him a “drittsekk” multiple times. He couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed when Emma forgave him. Still, he played along and flirted a little with Emma, and kissed her when he had to.

 

*

 

Everything what Even did, was hot. Fuck, even Even kissing his girlfriend was hot.

But most importantly, it hurt. Even kissing Sonja hurt (which it _shouldn’t_ , because _get yourself together Valtersen you’ve only known him for three weeks)_ and it made jealousy spread through his whole body. So Isak grabbed Emma, who wouldn’t stop talking for a single second, and kissed her roughly. Isak had just started wondering if Even watched them, when Even sat down next to Emma and said: “I think you guys are bonding a little too much over here” And Isak was relieved, because Even talking to them meant that he didn’t have to listen to - or kiss - Emma.

 

But Emma hugged Even like an old friend and Isak held uncomfortably onto his can of beer, not meeting Evens eyes.

 

“Nice apartment.”

“Thanks.”

 

And Emma and Even got into a discussion, which Isak paid no attention to, because now that Even was distracted, Isak could watch him shamelessly. And so he did. Even wore a yellow headband that day, and his hair wasn’t pushed into a quiff, which meant that it looked all _fluffy_ and Isak wanted to run his hands through it.

And then Evens eyes met Isak’s and Isak didn’t look away, because he was a little drunk and _fuck it,_ Even was too beautiful to look away.

 

Emma got bored by the discussion and dragged Isak to the dance floor, which was a shame because Isak wanted to continue looking at Even.

When he opened his eyes while kissing Emma though, he found Even kissing his girlfriend and no matter how much it hurt, Isak couldn’t stop looking at Even and Sonja making out. But then Even opened his eyes to look at Isak. And everything in Isak’s world fell into place.

 

Later, Isak and Even almost kissed in Isak’s kitchen. Isak’s heart had beaten fast; he had been looking up into Even’s face, panting; and Even had leaned in.

But then Noora came home.

 

*

 

A week later - in the swimming pool of a former classmate of Even - Isak and Even kissed, while their girlfriends were still back in Isak’s flat. Isak felt alive. He wanted to scream. The hottest 3rd year of their school had just kissed Isak. But Isak couldn’t scream, so he just kissed Even some more.

And when some girl found them and Isak and Even had to flee, Isak was way too high on adrenaline to ask Even why he wore a tight top under his white, now translucent, t-shirt.

 

*

 

When Isak asked Even why they broke into that house that night to go for a swim, he just smiled and told Isak to watch Romeo + Juliet with him.

 

*

 

The next week flew by in a rush and Isak felt like he was floating. Between kissing Even, and cuddling with Even, and fantasizing with Even about parallel universes, he had no time to wipe that huge grin off his face.

Isak could see Jonas’ confused face, when Isak had been staring and laughing at his mobile phone for yet another break, but he didn’t care.

 

*

 

“I… I have told Sonja about you. And we’ve decided to take a break. What do you think about that?”

“Awesome.”

 

And then they kissed and they started holding hands in public and Isak kissed Even _hello_ and _goodbye_ and Even called Isak “hot” in front of his friends and they were _dating_.

 

*

 

“You’re so _cute_ in my clothes Isak.” Even said and Isak beamed.

They were lying stoned in Even’s bed, lazily making out and talking about music, after Even had decided that he had to show Isak Nas immediately, now.

“I like wearing your clothes.” Isak admitted.

Even didn’t reply, but leaned into another kiss.

 

Two hours later Isak and Even fed each other a dozen different cheese toasts, so they could find out, which spices tasted the best on cheese to prevent another cheese toast disaster.

 

*

 

They were making out on a couch at a party of some 2nd year; Isak sat on Even’s lap and had his hands wrapped around Even’s torso. It was Even’s first time meeting Isak’s other friends, so when Isak called Eva’s name after seeing her enter the room and Even flinched, his fingers tightening at Isak’s back, Isak couldn’t help but get nervous.

“You ok?” Isak looked at Even.

“Yes, sure.” Even said and gave Isak a kiss on his cheek. No sign of distress was visible anymore.

So Isak smiled and let it go. _Eva is probably just an ex._

 

*

 

“Isak, I need to tell you something.” Even looked down, and Isak noticed, that Evens fingers were trembling.

Isak’s face immediately went serious; a moment ago they had been joking about Magnus’ wet dream about Vilde.

“Anything.” Isak said, trying to sound secure, even though he wasn’t. Isak was scared of what was coming next. _He could have gotten tired of me_ , Isak thought. _He could have gotten together with Sonja again_. _Or that Eva-Girl. Fuck, he’s straight._  Isak saw himself leaving Even’s place, bumping into Even’s mum with tears in his eyes, being left after 6 weeks of knowing him.

“I’m bipolar.”

 

*

 

Even had a manic episode shortly after he told Isak he was bipolar.

When he could neither sleep Friday nor Saturday night, he decided to go to his parent’s place, so he wouldn’t scare Isak.

 

Isak missed Even, but they texted every day, until they didn’t anymore and Isak went over to be there for Even during his depressive episode.

 

*

 

“Let’s play a game. It goes like this… It’s called “Isak and Even: Minute by Minute”. It… It’s about that the only thing we need to worry about is the next minute. You up for it?”

“Okay. What should we do this minute then?”

“This minute we’ll kiss.”

 

*  


Even and Isak survived Even’s episode and Isak felt invincible. Nothing could jeopardize their relationship.

 

Except for him.

 

*

 

Isak and Even were tipsy and kissing in Isak’s room.

It didn’t last long until the kiss deepened in a way they hadn’t kissed before, and _fuck_ Isak was just a teenager, and a virgin, and Even was his first boy, and it really wasn’t his fault that his jeans tightened uncomfortably.

And Isak could feel that Even wanted it too; he felt it in the way Even kissed him and pulled him closer, closer, _closer_.

 

Drunk Isak wasn’t shy.

 

So Isak started kissing Even’s neck and sucked a love bite into his skin and then he moved his hand slowly, slowly to Even’s crotch.

Until Even pulled away and said, laughing uncomfortably, “hey… hey”.

 

And it hurt, because Isak knew Even’s facial expression, he knew what it meant. It was the same facial expression Isak used to have, when he had hooked up with girls and they had wanted to go further than just kissing. Even looked so fucking uncomfortable, and when Isak’s eyes flickered to Evens crotch, he could see that Even wasn’t even hard. He didn’t find Isak attractive.

 

It hurt. It fucking hurt. Because it could only mean that Even was straight and that Isak was just his _little experiment_ but Isak didn’t get it, because Even had been so perfect and confident and he had broken up with his girlfriend for Isak, and it just _didn’t make sense_.

 

So Isak asked “Don’t you want to sleep with me?” and Even replied, with a now unreadable facial expression “no”.

 

They had stopped kissing and Isak felt insecure, but he was still _drunk_ and it was _fucking Even goddamnit_ and _he’s probably just not in the mood or too drunk to get hard._

So he just moved away from Even, closed his eyes, and said: “I’m tired.”

 

*

 

They never talked about it again, but the thought kept gnawing in Isak’s mind and every time Even looked at Isak – or didn’t look at him – a consistent mantra of _Hedoesn’tfindyouattractiveHedoesn’tattractiveHedoesn’tfindyouattractive_ went off in Isak’s head.

Isak hated himself for it, because, honestly, _it was just sex_ , but he couldn’t change it, and he couldn’t not feel insecure about it.

 

*

 

“Have you ever… you know with a woman?”

Even laughed. “You want to sleep with me but can’t say the term out loud?”

Isak rolled his eyes, not smiling, because even though this wasn’t supposed to be a serious conversation, it was still important to him. He just wanted to _know why_.

“I’ve been in a relationship with Sonja for four years.” Even answered. “What do you think I am? A saint?”

“So you’re like… bi?”

Even sighed. “Yeah I guess. Though I prefer the term pansexual.”

Isak looked up into Even’s face with a questioning look on his face.

“I… don’t give a crap about gender. Bisexual people sometimes prefer one gender over the other, but I don’t waste a single thought to it. I see people rather than their gender, you know?”

Isak nodded and went back to burying his nose into Even’s side. He was relieved.

 

“What’s it like? Sleeping with girls?” Isak asked after a few minutes of silence.

Even laughed again. “What the fuck?”

Isak blushed and muttered “I’m just curious.”, so Even said “It’s nice.” and the conversation seemed to be over for him.

But Isak didn’t want it to be. “Isn’t it like… all slimy… down there?”

Even furrowed his eyebrows. “That’s kind of important, Isak.”

Isak sighed and went through his hair with one hand. “ _Yes,_ I know that. But like… ugh. I don’t know. I guess I’m just too gay to like … girl parts.”

“Some men have vaginas too.” Even said and his voice sounded small.

Isak sighed again. Fucking political correctness. “Yeah, but I mean like … real men.”

“Oh, okay.”

 

And then Even looked on his mobile phone, muttered something about a “family emergency” and was out of Isak’s flat within minutes.

 

*

 

**Even Kosegruppa**

Is everything okay with your family?

 

everythings fine

 

okay

wanna hang tomorrow?

 

Can’t

Sorry

 

*

 

Isak laid on the couch in the living room and complained loudly to Eskild, who was making tea in the kitchen.

“We haven’t seen each other in _five days_ , Eskild. _Five days!_ ”

Eskild came out of the kitchen and placed two mugs on the table in front of the couch.

“Did you piss him off?”

“No, I mean… I don’t think so?” Isak thought about the last conversation Even and him had and blushed. He was so not going to talk to Eskild about it.

“He could be stressed then? He’s a third year, maybe he’s busy with exams or... stuff.”

Isak sighed. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Let’s just watch Netflix for now, okay? You can always complain about your boyfriend later.”

 

*

 

**Even Kosegruppa**

Wanna do something tomorrow?

 

I think I’m catching a cold.

 

I can take care of you

 

I’m contagious.

 

*

 

The next day Isak saw Even in school, completely healthy.

 

*

 

“What the hell is going on between you and Even?” Mahdi asked in their lunchbreak, after Even passed their table without even acknowledging Isak’s presence.

Isak sighed and answered: “I have no fucking idea.”

“Is he angry at you? Did you do something wrong?” Jonas asked and Isak snapped. “ **Why the fuck** is everyone asking me that?”

Jonas held up his hands as if he wanted to calm Isak down. “Whoa, I’m sorry, bro.”

Isak didn’t reply but wordlessly proceeded to eat.

 

*

 

When Isak opened his locker, a piece of paper fell out. He picked it up and saw a comic by Even. Both panels showed textmessages between Even and Isak. In the left panel Even had drawn their last conversation – the one in which Even had lied about being sick-, and in the right panel Even had drawn Isak’s question, but Even had replied with “Yes, let’s grab lunch.”.

The right panel was captioned with “At the same time in a different place in the universe”.

 

*

 

It hurt, it fucking hurt. Isak had been crushing so hard on – falling in love with - Even in the past months, and now Even wouldn’t even tell him, what was wrong.

Maybe he just grew tired of Isak. Decided to get someone, who wasn’t as needy and young and boring.

 

*

 

“You should talk to Even.” Jonas  suggested as they were sitting on a bench and eating Kebab.

“Yeah, I know.” Isak sighed.

 

*

 

It was the first weekend without Even in weeks and Isak was spending it alone in his room re-watching Stranger Things and feeling sorry for himself.

He was wrapped in a hoodie that most likely belonged to Even (The sleeves were a little too long for Isak) and kept overthinking the last conversation they had, but he just couldn’t find any reason for Even to just leave and keep Isak at distance.

 

After three episodes Isak heard a knocking on the door. “Isak?”

Isak sat up straight and tried to look a little less pathetic and pitiful, before he answered with “yes?”.

The door opened and Eskild came in. “Are you okay? I was leaving for a party and didn’t want to leave you here, all sad and alone.” Isak could see some glitter under Eskild’s eyes and couldn’t help but smile.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Isak answered, but Eskild sat down at the edge of his bed nevertheless. “It smells really bad in here, by the way.”

Isak groaned so Eskild let it go and added: “I feel like you should really talk to Even, it’s unfair of him to keep you hanging like that. You deserve to know.”

Isak didn’t answer and Eskild said: “You also deserve a break; come to the party with me. No Even, no high school students, just you, me, and some booze.”

“I think I’ll pass.” Isak replied. “But thanks for the advice.”

Eskild sighed dramatically but left the room without trying to convince Isak anymore. “Have a nice evening, Isak. And remember to open the window sometimes.”

“Bye, Eskild.”

 

*

 

On Monday Isak cornered Even at his locker.

“Why are you avoiding me?” Isak asked, but his voice didn’t sound as secure as he wanted it to. His question sounded more like a _plea_ and his voice sounded whiny, as if it was almost breaking.

After spending the whole weekend overthinking every little thing Isak has ever said to Even, seeing Even again hurt.

“Isak…” Even looked like he was hurting, too.

Isak didn’t answer, but placed his hands on Even’s jacket, pulling Even closer. He was so desperate. He had missed Even so much.

“Isak…” Even tried again, and Isak looked up into Even’s face, lifting his eyebrows in anticipation.

Even looked like he was going to kiss Isak for a second and Isak’s heart left out a beat and he felt like he was going to explode from anticipation, but then Even pulled away and detached Isak’s hands from his jacket.  
“I think we should go on a break, Isak.” Even sounded completely emotionless and Isak wanted to hide in the boy’s bathroom and weep for an entire week straight.

 

*

 

Isak didn’t see a reason in getting up anymore.

 

*

 

The following days, Isak was hurting. He went to school and missed Even; he went home and missed Even; he ate lunch and missed Even; he binge-watched Netflix and missed Even. He didn’t do his homework and stopped talking to his friends.

 

On Friday, his friends had enough.

“Dude, you gotta come with us to that party.” Magnus said and Isak looked up from his phone (He was on Even’s chat, trying to decide whether he should text him or not).

“I’d rather stay home.” Isak answered.

“Why? Got a family dinner again?” Mahdi teased, grinning. Isak didn’t find it funny.

“You could use some distraction.” Jonas tossed in.

Isak thought about it for a few seconds; getting wasted would be a nice distraction, but on the other hand he really didn’t want to do anything other than being sad and “What if Even shows up?”.  
“I doubt it.” Magnus said. “It’s the party of some first year Vilde knows.”

 

So Isak agreed on coming with them and hosting the pre-game.

 

*

 

“Anything new with Even?” Jonas asked Isak at the pregame, while Mahdi and Magnus were engrossed in a discussion about the difference between pan- and bisexuality after Isak mentioned Even being pansexual (“Dude, there’s only two genders! So what’s the difference between liking “all” and “both”?” – “I heard there are like intersex people, who are neither male nor female.” – “What the fuck?”).

“After he told me he needed a break we didn’t talk anymore.” Isak answered.

“Do you know the reason by now?”  
“No. But I don’t even know if I want to.”

“Well, you deserve to know. Maybe it’s something you can fix.” Jonas suggested and Isak knew that he was right. But Isak was tired from running after Even; he had known that Even would find out that he was better than Isak anyway, it was just faster than Isak expected. He grew tired of Isak faster than expected.

 

*

 

It felt like a punch in the face – no, worse.

It felt like someone – Even – had repeatedly stabbed Isak into the chest and then had left him on the floor, bleeding, hurting, while they were off having fun, _kissing fucking Sonja._

 

“Oh shit, dude, what the fuck.” Isak heard one of his friends say, but he didn’t know which one. His ears started ringing. He couldn’t concentrate on anything else, than Even kissing Sonja; even when his friends started trying to pull Isak away, he still couldn’t stop watching them make out.

And then Even opened his eyes to look at Isak and his whole world broke apart.

 

*

 

“Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, _Fuck,_ **Fuck**!”

 

Isak was outside with Jonas and he felt like punching something, anything. “Fuck!” he yelled.

Jonas stood beside Isak, not trying to calm him down, but simply being there for Isak. Isak was grateful for that; he just needed to blow of some steam.

“Fuck, why would he do that to me?” Isak yelled and kicked a bench that stood in the garden of the host.

“I have no idea, Isak. Do you want to go home?”  
“No, no, I’m fine. I’m just… I didn’t expect him to move on so quickly, I don’t know.”  
“Wanna smoke?” Jonas asked. “You look like you could use some.”

Isak nodded, so they sat down on the bench Isak had just kicked and shared a joint.

 

The weed made Isak want to cry, but it was okay, because he didn’t cry, but made out with some random girl instead, just like old times. Isak couldn’t help but hope that Even watched them.

 

*

 

Whoever said that time healed all wounds was lying.

 

*

 

Isak found another comic. The left panel showed Even making out with Sonja; the right panel Even with Isak.

 

“At the same time in a different place in the universe”

 

*

 

It’s been two weeks since Even told Isak he wanted a break (three weeks since they kissed the last time), and Isak was heartbroken. Even wouldn’t leave his mind for a second.

Every time Isak walked past Even, who completely ignored him, Isak felt a stab in his heart. He was left bleeding and suffocating and with a broken heart.

 

At least Sonja didn’t go to Nissen, so he didn’t have to watch Even make out with her.

 

*

 

And then it was the weekend again, and Isak was drinking with his friends again, and Jonas told him to talk to Even again.

 

*

 

**Even Kosegruppa**

at least tell me why

 

*

 

No answer.

 

*

 

“Isak, Even has been looking at you for like the past 30 minutes.” Mahdi said and nodded to a place behind Isak’s shoulders.

A shiver, which was both hot and cold at the same time, ran down Isak’s spine. “Isn’t he fooling around with Sonja?”

“No.” Mahdi answered. “I haven’t seen her at all. Don’t think she’s here.”

“Bro!” Magnus exclaimed. “You think Even is trying to make up?”

“Explain himself would be a nice start.” Jonas muttered under his breath. He was right though. The lack of knowledge was killing Isak.

 

*

 

“Hey, Isak?” whispered someone into Isak’s ear from behind and Magnus stared at him with big eyes. _Even._

Isak turned around. “Uh, yea?”

Even didn’t say anything but held out a hand for Isak. Isak took the hand and looked back to his friends with a confused look on his face, but they were only holding up their thumbs and grinning.

 

Even lead Isak outside.

 

“So why did you-“ Isak couldn’t proceed to talk, because Even had already pulled Isak into a kiss. It was desperate and sloppy; Even seemed to be very drunk.

“I’m so sorry” Even mumbled between a few kisses. And then “I broke up with Sonja.”

Isak didn’t answer; he just kissed, and kissed, and kissed Even, until he couldn’t breathe anymore and then a little more.

Isak’s hands were in Even’s hair and Even’s hands were at Isak’s back, until they weren’t anymore and Isak tried to pull Even even closer.

 

Isak wanted to f _eel_ Even, he had missed him so much. He wanted to touch all of Even, but not in a sexual way; he just wanted to be as close as possible to Even.

So Isak started slipping his hands under Even’s oversized hoodie and hugged him. It felt so _right_. Isak and Even were like two parts of a huge puzzle, fitting together perfectly. And in that moment, Isak had no doubt that an infinite number of Isaks and Evens were making out right now in an infinite number of parallel universes.

 

But when Isak moved his hands upwards, to Even’s chest, Even started to tense up and stopped kissing Isak.

 

Isak let out a small whimper. Of c _ourse_.

 

Even stopped hugging Isak and moved a few centimetres away from Isak.

“Shit, I’m sorry.” Even cursed. His eyes were opened wide and he went with his hand through his hair, while muttering a few more swearwords. “I’m sorry, Isak, but I can’t do this.”

Even got up, turned around and started to leave. But then Isak yelled “Why?” and Even turned around.

  
“Because I’m not good enough for you, Isak.”  
“What?”

“I’m not what you want.”

 

And then Even left, and with him an infinite number of other Evens, leaving behind an infinite number of heartbroken Isaks.

 

*

 

Isak went straight home without even saying goodbye to his friends and as soon as he touched his bed, he started to silently cry.

 

*

 

“He did **what**?” Magnus yelled. Vilde sat on his lap and Isak was very uncomfortable.

“Shut the fuck up, Mags.” Isak said angrily. “Not everyone needs to know about my problems with Even.” He glared at Vilde.

“Hey, I’m just here to help.” She said. “As a straight woman I can emphasize with your problems better than the guys.”  
Jonas looked at Isak with a questioning look on his face and whispered “what the fuck?”.

Vilde, who saw that, added “Well, because I like guys too.”.

 

*

 

“So you and Even still aren’t back together?”

Isak stared in disbelief at Sana. “I haven’t told you about the break up.”

Sana rolled with her eyes. “You didn’t have to tell me. I saw you two making out after every lesson for _weeks_ , and now you don’t anymore.”

“Oh, yea, right.” Isak said and his voice dropped. He didn’t even try to sound happy anymore; Sana and Isak were good friends and he knew that Sana wouldn’t make fun of him, unlike Magnus or Mahdi.

“Why did you even break up?” Sana asked and her face looked softer than usual.

“I have no idea.” Isak said. “Even told me something about him not being good enough or not what I want… I don’t even know; it’s bullshit.”

“Why would he think he’s not enough?”  
Isak sighed. “I have no idea. I think he’s perfect the way he is.”  
“Then tell him so.”

“I’m tired of running after him.”

“So you just give up?”

 

*

 

**Even Kosegruppa**

You’re more than enough.

 

I need to talk to you

Meet you after school

 

 

*

 

When Even and Isak met, Isak’s heart sped up. He felt like the first time talking to Even again, like he had a crush on the mysterious third year, who was probably straight and definitely out of his league.

His heart wanted to jump out of his chest, when he – as calmly as possible – said: “Hi, Even.”

“Hi, Isak.”  
And Even held a hand out to Isak again, gesturing him to hold it. Isak lifted an eyebrow and felt disappointment rise up in his chest. “I won’t let you hook up with me and then leave me again.” Isak was about to leave again (and probably cry on his way home), when Even said: “No, stop. I really want to talk.”

“I’m not holding your hand, though.”  
“Okay.” Even said. “But we still need to go somewhere quiet.”

 

*

 

Isak got a Kebab with Even and sat down on the same bench he talked to Jonas on. Having something to do with his hands gave him a little security.

“So, what’s up?” Isak tried to start the conversation. He looked to Even on his left, and noticed that he looked like a mess. His hands were trembling like the time when he told Isak that he was bipolar, and his face carried insecurity. He looked even more nervous than the last time.

 

It scared Isak.

 

“Are you okay?” Isak tried again, worry resonating in his voice.

“Yeah, I’m just… I just need to tell you something.” Even turned around to Isak. His Kebab was completely untouched.

Isak didn’t reply. Instead, he took a bite from his Kebab, just to do _anything_ that would release the tension. It didn’t help.

“Isak, I’m…” Even looked at his hands, avoiding Isak’s gaze. “I’m transgender.”

 

“Oh.” Isak swallowed heavily. What the fuck.  
“Oh?”

“I mean… I didn’t know you were a… You totally look like a dude.”

Even suddenly got up and started walking away, leaving Isak – once again - behind. After a few metres he turned around again and said:

 

“That’s because I am one.”

 

*

 

“Who’s that?” Isak asked while sitting down next to Sana, who had been looking at pictures of some guy.

“No one.” Sana shut her laptop quickly, shooting a quick innocent smile to Isak. He didn’t buy it.

“Your crush?” he asked and he could’ve sworn, that Sana blushed, despite her usual poker face.

“You have a crush!” Isak exclaimed. “What is he like? What’s his name?”

“Shut up or I’ll make you regret this.” Sana answered. “Despite, how is it going with _your crush_?”

“Uh… We talked.”

“Did he… Did he tell you why he left you?”

“Yes he did…” Isak was hesitant. He didn’t know how much he could tell Sana or not. He didn’t want to out Even in front of people Even didn’t know. It was unfair to him. “He, uh… he told me why he transferred schools.” Sana furrowed her brows.  
“Isak, are you kidding me? That’s what your breakup is about? You can handle his illness but not him being trans?”

Isak opened his eyes wide in surprise. “You fucking knew? How? Why didn’t you tell me?”  
Sana shrugged. “It’s up to Even to tell you about his past.”

 

They got interrupted by their biology teacher, who never wore a bra and wanted to start class.

 

*

 

**Sana Bakkoush**

Can we talk about Even please?

 

After biology class tomorrow?

 

Yea

 

*

 

Isak hadn’t tried to reach out to Even after Even outed himself. He still missed Even, and he felt like a douche for not talking to him after he told Isak such an important and intimate thing about himself, but Isak just didn’t know how it would be affecting their relationship. He didn’t know if he would ever want to sleep with Even, or if Even even felt comfortable enough in his skin to have sex with anyone, or if Isak might accidentally offend Even one too many times in their future.

 

He needed to sort himself out, before could talk to Even again.

 

*

 

“So what did you want to talk about?” Sana was chewing gum and had her arms crossed in front of her chest. She looked _badass_ and Isak started feeling ridiculous for his worries about Even. She obviously didn’t get why they had broken up over it.

“Uhm, about Even, I’m… I don’t know what to do. And you know him, so I thought you could… tell me. What to do, I mean.”

“Isak. This is obviously between you too; I don’t want to get in the middle of it. If you want to get advice on how to talk to transgender guys, just fucking google it.”

“No, I mean… You’re the only one I can talk to about it. I can’t just out Even in front of my friends, you know? And I really need to talk about it.”

Sana sighed. “We can talk about it. That’s what friends are for. Let’s just… sit down somewhere, okay?”

 

*

 

“How do you know Even?”  
“My brother went to Elvebakken with him. They were friends.” Isak could see that Sana wasn’t comfortable talking about it. He knew that she probably felt like invading Even’s privacy, but he was glad that she told him anyway.

“Was he… Was he still a girl back then?”  
“He was never a girl, Isak.”  
“Yea, I know… I just mean… Was he still living as a girl?”  
Sana was quiet for a second. “Can we stop talking about that, please? I think he should tell you about his past himself.”

 

“I don’t know what to do, Sana.” Isak said quietly, breaking the silence.

“Why?”

“I’m gay. And Even… I know he’s a boy, but just because he identifies like one, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t still have… certain female body parts.”

“Do you see Even as a walking vagina?”  
“No, I just mean –“  
“Isak, he’s still the same. He’s still as much of a man as he has been before. And I _know_ you still find him attractive. So why can’t you just get over this little part of him? Genitals always look weird. And once you’re … doing stuff I can assure you that you probably won’t mind it. And if you do – at least you’ve given Even a chance. That’s the least you can do.”

Isak shrugged. “You’re right, thanks.”  
“No problem. I hope you two get back together, I’ve always liked Even.”

 

*

 

Isak couldn’t help but wonder if he was enough for Even. If Even was going to take him back, or if Even hated him by now.

*

 

Isak was going to apologize to Even, so he waited for him in front of the classroom Even had his last class of the day in. When the bell rang, the door opened, and the students started to leave, Isak felt himself getting nervous again. His heartbeat quickened and he felt a rush of adrenaline run through his body.

 

*

 

“Isak.”

“Even.”

Silence.

“I’ve missed you.”

No answer.

“We need to talk.”  
“Okay.”

 

*

 

Even looked smaller than usual, more insecure; his usual flirty and self-confident self wasn’t present anymore. And Isak’s heart hurt, because he knew he was the reason for it. He knew, that he had made Even feel like he was not enough.

 

“Did you… did you tell anyone?” Even asked after a few minutes of awkward silence.

“No I mean… I talked to Sana about it, but she already knew. I didn’t tell anyone else.” Isak answered, looking at his fingers. When Even didn’t reply, Isak added: “She said, she knows you because you used to be friends with his brother?”

Even sighed. “Yea, I used to. I kinda destroyed the friendship though.”

“How?” Isak asked. When he looked at Even, he met his gaze. They looked into each other’s eyes, until Even turned his head to the ground again and said: “I… I struggled a lot more with my bipolar disorder back then, because I wasn’t diagnosed yet and the stress of coming out triggered a lot more episodes than usual. I did some fucked up stuff and then couldn’t handle the embarrassment. So I just… I just stopped talking to them. I think they don’t even know I’m bipolar.” Even let out a dry laugh. “I also think they never really understood the trans-thing. They called me Eva so often and –“

“Eva?”

Even looked at him with a dejected look on his face and raised eyebrows, and Isak understood.

 

“Did you transfer schools because of your mental illness?” Isak finally asked.

“Partly, yes.” Even stopped talking for a second, trying to find the right words. “I… I was unable to go to school for a while. And I really needed a fresh start, at a school where no one knows about the stuff I did when I was manic or calls me by my birth name.”

Isak nodded. He understood.

 

“Can you forgive me?” Isak asked, finally. Even looked at him, surprised, and Isak’s heart quickened again. Even meant so much to him; he just _had to_ forgive Isak.

“How could I not forgive you?” Even said, almost whispering. But Isak could _see_ the doubt in Even’s face; he could see that Even had forgiven Isak, but that he still didn’t trust him.

Isak moved closer to Even and started an attempt to hold Even’s hand. He didn’t move it away. Isak smiled.

 

“I don’t care about your past.” Isak swallowed heavily. “I just want to start over.”

 

*

 

“So why did you two break up again?” Mahdi yelled over the loud music, a beer in his hands.

Isak looked at Even’s face, asking him without words whether it was okay to tell them. And Even held Isak closer, when he answered: “I’m a transdude and Isak was being a dick about it.”

“Uhm? Rude.” Isak grinned at Even, who pressed a small kiss on Isak’s cheek. “It’s true though.”

“What the fuck?” Magnus yelled. “You used to be a chick?”  
“He was always a boy.” Isak corrected Magnus. “He was just _assigned female at birth_.”  
“Look at you being a real ally.” Even beamed and gave Isak another kiss on his cheek. Isak closed his eyes and leaned against the kiss.

“Did you like… you know, get surgery?” Magnus asked, and then quickly added “Sorry if this is offensive? I’m just super curious.”

Even laughed. “No, its fine. I haven’t had any surgeries yet, but I’m wearing a binder and a packer.”

Confusion was written in the faces of Isak’s friends. Isak hadn’t asked Even about the physical aspects of his transition yet either, because he was scared that Even might not be ready to talk about his body yet, so he was a little curious about Even’s answer himself.

“The binder makes my chest look flat. It’s like a very tight bra. And the packer… it… well, it makes me look _well-hung.”_ Even grinned and Isak blushed. His boyfriend talking about his _junk_ in front of Isak’s friends was not something he was comfortable with. But luckily Jonas stopped his friends from making dick-jokes when he asked: “Do you take testosterone shots? Because, you got like… a jaw ‘n stuff.”

“I’m a little over 16 months on t, actually.”

 

*

 

Isak and Even still weren’t back to what they used to be, and they still hadn’t talked about sex – and anything related - yet, but they were fine. _They were fine_. And they were going to be _awesome_ in the future. They were going to work this out. They just had to.

 Because they were Isak and Even, and there were an infinite number of universes where they weren’t together, so they just _had to_ work it out in this one.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first project I've finished in 4 f-ing years! And also the first one I ever wrote in english. If you liked it I'd very much appreciate kudos and/or a comment and also of course criticism.  
> The title is a line from the song "Talking Transgender Dysphoria Blues" by Against Me!. If you'd like to know what Even looks like during his transition (he was about 6 months on t when he first met Isak), you should check out searchingforwhatever on YouTube. He makes monthly updates and looks a little like Even :)


End file.
